October 26-31, 2002
Reader P.F. from a small town near the American state of Oregon writes, in response to THOCBDC's ongoing concern about the 'condition' (or whereabouts) of Adolph's Meat TenderizerTM:1
I discovered a spiritual illustration in my kitchen cupboard! The label of my ADOLPH'S Meat Tenderizer carries an extraordinary promise: Turns commonplace cuts into gourmet products!
YES, LORD, I'm just a commonplace cut, I'd like to be a gourmet product fit for the Master's use, How can this happen? Five simple steps are given:
1. Moisten all surfaces. The dealings of God in my life may produce tears. The hurts of life are real and painful. My heart first needs to be moistened. All surfaces.
YES, LORD, top to bottom, every part of my life is available to You. I hold nothing back.
2. Sprinkle tenderizer generously. The Holy Spirit is my Tenderizer. He is at work in my life. He transforms my heart of stone into a tender heart of flesh (Ezek.36:26,27). He liberally sprinkles God's promises on my hurting heart to encourage me, lift me up.
YES, LORD, help me accept Your loving work in my life.
3. Pierce deeply with a fork at 1/2 inch intervals. Pain, affliction, sorrow have a redemptive purpose in my life. My tough, stubborn will needs to be broken. But God doesn't break my spirit. He loves me and desires to bring out His best in me. Sometime trouble seems to invade every area of my life at once. Every half-inch of my world cries out for relief!
But YES, LORD, I open even the deepest areas of my life to you.
4. Marinate. God's work in my heart takes time. Oh, Lord, waiting is so hard! I am impatient to get out of my difficulty. But my Heavenly Father knows I need time to accept what He is doing in my life.
YES, LORD, give me patience while you marinate me!
5. Bake, broil, barbecue, roast or microwave immediately. I cry, "Enough already! Surely I don't need more heat!" But my Lord must apply heat to separate imperfections from the pure gold. The fire of affliction is the refiner's fire. My oven experience is essential. When God's time is right ... when I have learned the lessons He has been trying to teach me, He will deliver me from the oven of my affliction in His own way.
The result of this painful process? I will be a gourmet product, fit for my King! I will have a tender, sensitive, responsive heart of flesh toward my Lord. A heart that joyfully, quickly, genuinely responds to Him with a YES, LORD, YES! The label on my jar of Meat Tenderizer says 100% Natural. But God's spiritual process is 100% Supernatural. Man cannot duplicate it. Only the Holy Spirit can prepare my heart to please God.
Recently, the ingredients in my jar of Meat Tenderizer have been modified. The label now reads: NO MSG. Monosodium Glutamate was found to be injurious to our health. In God's process of maturing me though trials, the Holy Spirit is the only active ingredient-perfectly pure and always working for my good.
In a less spiritual note, reader Mr. L. "Rocky" W. of Reno, Nevada writes:
"Hell, it was pure dumb luck that I found out that 'eating out' a chick using Adolph's Meat Tenderizer kept me from gaggin' on the slime ... and most likely puttin' her off her hots as well. Sure, next day she must have been a bit raw around the clit ... but, hell, that wasn't my worry no more. But, you gotta be a bit sneaky about it, though ... ya can't salt her up like a radish. Best use a handi-wipe sprinkled with the stuff and play like you're teasing her growler."
NEWNES reminds us:
1 For our own safety, THOCBDC assumes that the Adolph Company has not abandoned its brand and still wishes the retain its trademark protection.
Reader Derek@.com contributed this poem as our final word on Adolph's Meat Tenderizer.
(Nobody Names Their Kids) Adolph
Adolph, Nobody names their kids Adolph
Adolph is a nice name
Adolphs meat tenderizer1
Now, The World's Fattest Man dancing ...
Adolph, Nobody names their kids Adolph
Nobody talks about the Jewish Problem
Adolph, Nobody names their kids Adolph
When I was just a little boy
If even the world's oldest woman's 'last words' leaves us with question marks about what this thing is all about ... well ...2
1 Emphasis added by THOCBDC.
2 "That's all she wrote."
Today's 'journal' is more of a question.
Recently I've started to 'play' with Adobe's PhotoShop 7.0. Not that I haven't used version 6.0 before ... but those uses have been pretty elementary; like doing color balance, minor cropping, 'saving' in WEB format, etc. ... nothing too difficult.
The other day I took a fairly high resolution picture (about 1 meg) of an old commercial building that is not far from my home in Bangkok. The building has a lot of clutter in front of it: telephone poles and wires mostly. I have tried to 'clean it up' a bit using PhotoShop 7.0 ... it's a bitch of a job; especially since I'm not very clever when it come to using the tools. I suppose it would be too much to hope that there is a button that just erases 'eyesores' ... but are there any shortcuts? Up to now I have been magnifying sections of the picture and using the 'stamp' function to simultaneously erase and plop in something new.
Here are the 'before' and 'after' shots. Most of my Bangkok friends will recognize the place.
"With this kind of clean bloodless death, there's no death agonies, no reverse peristalsis - the death throes where your digestive system works backward and you vomit fecal matter." - John Nash, a fictional paramedic. [From LULLABY, a novel by Chuck Palahniuk] 1
Watcharee ran her first 10k on Sunday. There were more than 10,000 participants in the early morning event. In order to reach the starting line on time we had to set the alarm clock for 3AM.
The two women who came in first and second in the women's division (age 17 to 19) were terribly pleased at the press coverage they received.
The Bangkok Post reports photographically on its front page this morning that foreign tourists should have no fear of terrorism in Bangkok. The police seem to outnumber 'farangs' by at least two to one, if you are a female.
The Skytrain bridge construction seems to be progressing on schedule.
ATTENTION PATRONS OF ALL PLUSH INTERIORS FURNITURE STORES2
If poisonous spiders have hatched from your new upholstered furniture, you may be eligible to take part in a class action lawsuit.
Call 1-800-LAW-SUCK [1-800-529-7825]
1 THOCBDC has, since day one, been a fan of Mr. Palahniuk. His previous novels, FIGHT CLUB, SURVIVOR, INVISIBLE MONSTERS ... and, more recently, CHOKE, have always been well received in these pages. His first book, FIGHT CLUB, was made into a movie that must be watched. Within the limits imposed upon us by copyright laws THOCBDC has quoted extensively from his books, especially when the sentences had something to do with Our Lord or sex. Incidentally, THOBCDC has even captured a very sexy smoking scene from the movie version of FIGHT CLUB that you should visit (or revisit) right now. The clip shows how very foolish it is for attractive women to give up smoking.
2 One of many law-firm sponsored public service announcements reprinted in the latest Palahniuk book.
Today was very busy for me. On the way home from my lawyer's office I stopped by the Shangri-La hotel to pick up some magazines but, as the hour was late, the hotel newsstand was closed.
However, I noticed that the renovations to the Shangri La's pool area and the lobby bar area are now complete ... perhaps this will prompt Rande to fly back to Bangkok soon. My son, David, and his friend Rande are down in Brazil looking at property and chasing skirts. David will probably stay south ... Rande will probably come back to Thailand.
I bumped into Karim, Nuch and Alex over at The Peninsula tonight. We were supposed to join them for dinner tonight but because of my meetings I had to plead for a rain check. It is good to have them all back in Bangkok; Karim was in London while Alex was up near the Scottish border.
NEWNES reminds us that in:
Much earlier (in 1841) The Tower of London had a terrible fire.
Author Has Poetic License Suspended - Local author Roger Berkhart had his poetic license suspended on Tuesday for a poem that he submitted to his publisher, Philip Serge. Serge explains, "I had no choice but to report Roger to the proper authorities, in this case the DRC (Department of Rhyming Couplets). Unfortunately, they agreed with me and suspended his license, in effect putting him out of a job for a year. I'm not sure if he's been drinking again, or if it's the coke, but he far exceeded any reasonable rhyming scheme." The poem in question began: "Roses are Red / You're a Crack Whore / Get on your knees / And make me a goddamn chicken sandwich". It was downhill from there. Berkhart had this to say in his defense, "They can take my license, but they'll never find the frog's body. I am the enigma prince."
ACLU Praises Sniper For Equal Opportunity Killings
Written by Jimmy Wellington
The American Civil Liberties Union, the militant branch of the ultra left wing, announced yesterday that the "Beltway Sniper" is the 2002 recipient of their Equal Opportunity Killer Of The Year Award, receiving more than four times as many votes as the second place finisher, the unfortunately named "Crack Whore Killer".
ACLU head Wanda Kopkin explained the organization's controversial decision: "We understand that some people think that we are bringing undue attention to this crazy killer. Here at the ACLU, we believe that he should be commended for his commitment to racial and sexual equality among his victims."
The Rev. Jesse Jackson also lauded the killer: "This man or woman has no set profile for his victims, utilizes no quota, just plain, straightforward, random killing."
"The ACLU should be ashamed of themselves," said an unnamed CNN programming executive. "They are glorifying this crazy killer - praising the sniper for not targeting a specific type of victim? That's just sensationalist reporting taken to the extreme." Unfortunately the executive could not provide further comment, as he was trying frantically to finalize a graphic for their new "Could YOU Be The Next Sniper Victim?" story.
Many Americans think that the media has made the sniper into more of a celebrity than he deserves.
"I mean, he's only striking from around a hundred yards away, that's not the mark of a true sniper," said former Marine sniper Bill Merrin. "If I was going around killing random people, I would definitely be way more accurate than this clown."
Merrin added, "Plus, tarot cards? That's so gay."
For just this one day THOCBDC has replaced NEWNES with highlights from:
The History of Swearing
Last Century's Great Moments in Swearing
1900 - Shot by an anarchist while standing on a Brussels railway station, The Prince of Wales utters the immortal words, "Fuck it, I've taken a bullet."
1936 - Music hall comedian Hector Thaxter becomes the first man to say "Arse" on the radio.
1947 - After cutting food rations as part of a new economic drive, Chancellor Hugh Dalton is accosted by a beggar in the street who says, "You bloody bastard! What am I meant to do, eat shit?"
1957 - Interviewed live on BBC News, a British teddy boy is asked his opinion of Bill Haley. He replies, "Haley? I wouldn't piss on him if he went up in flames. I'm an Elvis man meself."
1965 - Appearing on a late night live satire programme called BBC3, Kenneth Tynan becomes the first man to say "Fuck" on TV. A national fit of apoplexy follows with one Tory MP suggesting that Tynan should hang!
1967 - After watching an episode of "Till Death Us Do Part" that includes 44 uses of the word "BLOODY", Mary Whitehouse fumes, "This is the end of civilisation as we know it"
1969 - Buzz Aldrin becomes the first man to swear on the moon "Bloody hell," he tells Neil Armstrong, "I've just taken a shit in my space suit"
1972 - Oxford English Dictionary includes the words "FUCK" and "CUNT" for the first time. The National Campaign for Real Swearing issues a statement which reads: "We'd be a bunch of lying cunts if we didn't say that we were totally fucking delighted"
1974 - Originating from the Australian "Nasty as Fuck", the word NAFF is introduced to the British public via Ronnie Barker in Porridge. As in "Naff off Godber!" However the expression looses its appeal when Princess Anne starts using it.
1979 - A Bar steward at a Conservative Club in Middlesex is sacked after greeting a club member with the words, "All right, you fucking old bastard, we haven't seen you for fucking ages!" He is later ruled to have been unfairly dismissed on the grounds that his words "were just a form of greeting".
1982 - British Leyland workers begin their so-called swearing strike after one of the top brass describes them as, "fucking bastards and fucking working-class pigs".
1990 - Female golfer Muffin Spencer-Devlin is banned from a top ladies tournament after calling officials, "A fucking bunch of incontinent wankers!".
1991 - Rev. Ian Gregory, secretary of The Polite Society, proposes that existing swear-words are banished and replaced with "nice words like `breadstick` and `cotton socks`". A spokesman for The National Campaign for Real Swearing responds by saying "The good reverend can go and fuck himself!".
1995 - Annoyed at the constant chattering of children during a performance of "Macbeth" at a Manchester theatre, actor Paul Higgins strides to the front of the stage and bellows, "Shut the fuck up or I'll rip your fucking heads off!"
1996 - Students hackers tinker with the digital storage system at Britain's first talking bus stop in Leeds, with the result that a queue of passengers expecting a recorded timetable are greeted with the words, "Fuck off and walk you lazy bastards".
PS In 1517 Luther nailed his theses on indulgences to the church door at Wittenberg. (NEWNES)
PPS In 1815 Sir Humphry Davys invented the miner's safety lamp. (again, NEWNES)
PPPS To prove that I have gone totally nuts with this Canon 'photo-stitch' thing, here is our kitchen in 360 degrees. Next time I'll use a tripod.
October 20 puzzle picture ...
And the solution ...
Next: More from Bangkok